Back and forth
by Daisy5
Summary: Cordelia comes back from Pylea with more than she arrived with, and it ain't Groo.


Title: Back and forth Author: Daisy E-mail: e.large@talk21.com Pairing:Cordelia and Angel of course! Rating: R me thinks Category: Romance/Angst. Spoilers: Set at the end of Season two of Angel. Disclaimer: NOT MINE! Joss Whedon and ME own everything. Feedback: Yes please. Distribution: You want it, you got it. But be a peach and let me know Authors note: This is my response to AngelLuvers challenge, the challenge guidelines are at the end of the story cos I don't want to spoil the anything. The time line jumps around a bit, but you're all intelligent people so I'm sure you'll figure it out. Oh, all the bits in Italics are Cordelia narrating  
  
Dedication: I thought it was only fitting to dedicate this story to you AngelLuver, I had so much fun writing this, thank you for the idea! .  
  
***  
  
He's looking at me like I've sprouted a second, third and forth head. This is the exact scene I've been trying to avoid for months now and I thought I was doing pretty well. Sure, there were a few tricky moments, several times I had to actually physically stop myself from callling him in the middle of the night, desperately wanting to throw myself into those ridiculously strong arms of his. But I stopped myself. Took a deep breath and squared my shoulders. I'm Cordelia Chase for heavens sake.  
  
"I...I don't understand....how is this even possible?"  
  
  
  
"Do I need to draw you a diagram Angel?"  
  
Good one Cor, 'cos getting snarky is really what's needed right now.  
  
"But..but...but but."  
  
Such eloquence. The man I'm in love with ladies and gentlemen, a modern day Byron.  
  
"Look Angel, this isn't a big deal."  
  
And the lies just keep on coming. I swear people, it's like a freaking disease.  
  
"I....Cordelia, you lied to me!"  
  
Busted. Well, this is just wonderful. I guess you're pretty confused by now, join the club. Confusion seems to be my main state of being at the moment. And weepy, lets not forget weepy. Where should I start? How about when Angel crashed through my door twenty minutes ago looking like he was about to go Angelus on me? No, further back then that I think. Maybe when Buffy died and Angel left me for three months to deal with everything on my own? Granted he didn't know...but still. Or, and this is my personal favourite, when we fell back to earth and the eyes that had looked at me with so much love and desire held nothing but blank confusion. Nothing. Zip. Like it never even happened. As cliched as it is I'm going to have to start at the beginning...............  
  
***  
  
Pylea four months earlier...  
  
"Cordelia why do I get the feeling that you're not listening to a damn word I'm saying?" Angel muttered angrily, his eyes skittered across the ornately decorated room and settled on his reflection. He fought the urge to fiddle with his hair.  
  
"I'm listening Angel, it's just that your argument is very very poor. I'm guessing you were never on the debate team at school." Cordelia said as she studied her nails with the kind of concentration Wesley would use for researching. "I don't have a life in LA whereas I'm a freaking Princess here. Really not a hard decision for me to make."  
  
"Don't we mean anything to you?" Angel said, hurt by her blasé attitude over the subject of her remaining in Pylea. "Do we mean so little that you would just up and leave us without a second glance?"  
  
"Why not? You did!" Cordelia hissed. Angel felt a deep despair settle in his chest as he realised Cordelia was still punishing him for pushing her out of his life over the whole Darla debacle.  
  
"This isn't about me...." The vampire sighed and rubbed his hand over his face, he didn't like this place, it made him feel.....well strange would be an understatement.  
  
"Give the vampire a cookie! Finally he realises that the whole world doesn't revolve around him! Whoopdefuckingdoo!"  
  
"Cordy..." Angel frowned at the venom in her voice, no one could make him feel quite as bad as Cordelia Chase but he was beginning to get annoyed with her inability to let go of the past. "Look, we've talked about that, I've said I'm sorry like a million times. For godsake woman you cannot keep on punishing me for this!" Angel strode towards the young woman who was sitting aloof and regal in front of him. Pretending to be something she wasn't. This wasn't his Cordelia.  
  
His.  
  
Angel was aware of the route his thoughts were taking but wasn't sure exactly where they came from, all he knew was that ever since they had crashed into this strange new world something inside him had shifted and was trying to break free.  
  
"Oh, well then, that makes everything better doesn't it." Cordelia stood up to the vampire that was looming over her, it wasn't that she was still angry over being fired and pushed away, she'd dealt with that and moved on. She was just tired. Tired of....well everything. Tired of the visions, tired of the good fight, tired of going home to an empty bed and tired of not being able to tell the man she was in love with how she felt. Tired of wanting what she couldn't have. So, Cordelia had decided to make a new life here, where she could wear a crown and have a kind sweet man in her bed to hold her. Groo might not be Angel but if you can't be with the one you love.......  
  
The sensation of cool fingertips dancing across the bare flesh of her upper arm jolted the seer out of her thoughts, Cordelia sucked in a surprised breath when she realised just how close Angel was to her now. The vampires eyes pinned her where she stood, black as night with a lust so blatant it made her stomach knot painfully. He had never looked at her this way before.  
  
"Angel....?" She cursed the way her voice betrayed her desire for him.  
  
"I can't lose you again. I won't let you leave me Cordelia, I won't allow it." The vampire growled low, he didn't know what he was doing, as soon as he had touched her warm skin it was as though the dam that had been building ever since he had arrived in Pylea had burst.  
  
"I'm not your property Angel." Cordelia had meant to sound outraged but her words had come out as a sigh as Angel brushed his lips against hers. She gripped the soft material of his dark shirt in her fists, if she let go she was sure she would fall. "What are you doing?" Cordelia whispered, her heart in her throat.  
  
"Making you mine." Angel growled, his words shot fire into her belly. His mouth claimed her, swallowing any protests she might have tried to muster. Angel's hand snaked up through Cordelia's hair, tilting her head back as his tongue marked her as his only. Angel had stopped thinking, stopped listening to the small voice in the back of his head that kept insisting that this was wrong, Cordelia was his friend. Instead he let the deep hunger of the demon he had tried to repress for too many years take over. He smiled when he felt Cordelia groan against his lips as he slid his other hand over the small of her back, pulling her flush up against him.  
  
"We can't..." Cordelia finally wrenched her bruised lips away from him, sucking in air she cursed her need to breathe.  
  
"We can. We are." Angel nipped the delicate skin of her neck with blunt teeth. "You're mine." And that was the simple truth, she had tried to deny her feelings for so long but now it was impossible to do so. Angel traced the planes of her body as though he had done so all his life. Cordelia hated that this felt so right, she was out of her mind with desire and yet all Angel had done was kiss her. The cool heat of his lips left her skin, Cordelia felt as though she might cry out in frustration. Angel's gaze found hers once again, there was something unreadable in his eyes, a darkness that she had never seen before. His demon. Cordelia wanted to shrink away from him, scared at the intensity of his beast, but she knew that if she did, if she denied this part of him she would be denying all of him. The seer felt the crown being removed from her head at the same time as the small clasp that held her regal bikini top together became undone. How did he do that? Was the last coherent thought that ran through her brain. There were no more words, only actions.  
  
***  
  
Present day I'll spare you the finer details of what happened next, I'm sure you don't want to know. You do? Well tough, some things between a vampire and a woman are sacred. At least that's what I thought. I should have known then that something was going on, I mean, that just wasn't typical Angel behaviour. But I was blinded by my love for him. I know, I know, gag much? How was I meant to know Pylea would have such a screwy affect on him. Anyway, back to what happened. Where was I? Oh yeah, so, we had the sex, the very very very mind blowingly orgasmic sex. Leaving us with the morning after.....  
  
***  
  
Off to Pylea again.... Cordelia felt the soft rays of first light bathing her face as she woke up.....  
  
Yeah, yeah, again with the clichés, but I swear this is how it happened.  
  
......she blinked in confusion, unable to remember where she was. The strong cool body wrapped around her brought the events of the night before rushing back. A small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth, it had been everything Cordelia had ever dreamt of and so much more. A dull ache in her shoulder broke her from her blissful revelry, she tried to shift her position but the vampire that was half lying on top of her muttered a territorial growl when she moved. Cordelia rolled her eyes and tried to elevate the cramp in her arm once again.  
  
"Stop fidgeting." Angel grunted as he threw his leg over hers, bringing Cordelia even closer to him.  
  
"My arm is asleep." Cordelia said, his spiky hair that she loved so much tickling her nose. She had never felt so possessed by a man before. Grumbling under his breath Angel moved his head from her shoulder, he rubbed his thumb in gentle circles over the numb limb, slowly bringing it back to life with a trail of kisses.  
  
"Better?" Angel smiled lazily at her.  
  
"Much." Cordelia sighed happily. "And as much as I would love to stay here in bed with you all day, we need to get up and find the guys. Wes will have conniption if he finds out you found me and didn't tell him straight away." She finally pulled herself away from his grip and sat on the edge of the bed, lifting her arms above her head Cordelia stretched like a cat in the sun. He traced the colorful tattoo on her back, unwittingly jealous of the person that she had allowed to be so physically close to herself to brand her beautiful skin. Cordelia watched Angel study the ink design over her shoulder, she wondered what he was thinking about that could make him simultaneously scowl and smile. "Angel?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Come on big fella, you gotta move that cute butt of yours. I want to go home." Angel dragged her back down to him when he realized she was coming back to LA, a smile on his face that could make the heavens weep with happiness. Cordelia realized Angel had no intention of moving from the bed when he curled himself around her once more and pulled the covers over them both. "This isn't us going home."  
  
"No, this is snuggling." Angel purred into her ear, Cordelia let out a surprised laugh.  
  
"You just lost ten cool points for the use of the word 'snuggling' Angel." The young woman chuckled.  
  
"You mocking a vampire little girl? Very, very unwise." He mapped the dips and curves of Cordelia's body, his voice sending a delicious shiver down her spine.  
  
"Is that so?" Cordelia flipped them over so Angel was on his back, staring up at her with adoration. "I think I could handle anything you throw at me vampire." She slid down his lean body until her hips cradled his manhood, she wiggled her butt against him and arched her eyebrow. "Oh my, what do we have here?"  
  
"Minx." Angel grinned, he sat up quickly and claimed her lips in a passionate kiss that left Cordelia breathless and panting. Biting the plump flesh of her bottom lip in concentration she traced the landscape of his face as though she were reading him from cover to cover.  
  
"You're so beautiful." Cordelia murmured, no longer hiding the emotion in her voice as she had done so for so long.  
  
"I think that's meant to be my line." The vampire wrapped his strong hands around the curve of her waist, rubbing his callused thumb in maddening circles beneath her breasts. "You know this isn't just a one time fling for me, don't you? You and me Cordy, it's more than just a buddy fuck. You do know that right?" Angel suddenly said seriously.  
  
"I do now." Cordelia's heart bloomed in her chest, the doubts she had about Angel's feelings for her flew quickly away. "Oh, and nice use of words there mister, real romantic."  
  
***  
  
Back to the present.......  
  
That morning in Pylea I really did think he loved me. I mean, I know he loves me, but then I was sure he was *in* love with me. As horrible as what happened next was, I will always remember how wonderful that morning was. How Angel looked at me, kissed me, made me his all over again. I still haven't answered Angel's accusations of lying to him in case you were wondering. He's glaring at me and I'm staring out of the window. It's starting to rain. How very fitting.  
  
So, what happened after that blissful wake up call that led to Angel figuring out that I'd been lying to him for the last three months I hear you cry? Well, we finally got out of bed, found Wesley, Gunn and Lorne, had a small altercation with a few priests, won the battle, freed the slaves and laid the foundations for a new democratic society. All in a days work for the guys and gals of Angel Investigations. Which now included little Fred, sweet nervous little Fred who has a tendency to get involved in things that have absolutely nothing to do with her. Oh yeah Fred, don't think I've forgotten about you. You are so getting your arse kicked. More about that later though. So we were on our way home......  
  
***  
  
Pylea...but not for long.....  
  
"I'm almost 100% sure this will work." Wesley declared as he looked around the forest clearing.  
  
"It's the 'almost' that's worrying me. Why can you never be completely 100% sure? Or, you know, you could just keep your 'almosts' to yourself." Cordelia griped as she kicked her foot through the leaves on the ground, watching Angel out of the corner of her eye. He was away from the group, staring at the sky. It was strange to see him in the sunlight, his pale features lit up in the soft afternoon glow.  
  
"It's so wonderful to have you back Cordelia." Wesley muttered under his breath. The seer ignored him and snuggled into Angels coat a little more, her Princess get up wasn't exactly out door portal jumping attire.  
  
"Hey, you OK?" Cordelia asked Angel quietly when she walked over to where he was standing. She was rewarded with a sad smile from the vampire.  
  
"Yeah, just getting maudlin I guess. It's been a while since I've stood in the sun, I didn't realize how much I missed it."  
  
"But we get the stars Angel. I'd rather have the moon and stars any day." Cordelia slipped her hand into his and squeezed it tenderly.  
  
"You're really something Chase, you know that?" Angel grinned lovingly at her.  
  
"That's what I keep telling people, but do they listen?" She let out an exaggerated sigh and rolled her eyes.  
  
"I want to take you out somewhere nice when we get back to LA." Angel told her.  
  
"Like a date?" Cordelia couldn't hide the surprise in her voice.  
  
"I think we're a little beyond having coffee now Cordy." The vampire laughed softly, his silky tone conjuring up images of last night in Cordelia's mind. "I was thinking dinner and dancing, of course I shall be ravishing you for hours afterwards though."  
  
"Is that so?" Cordelia arched a perfect eyebrow at him, her eyes flashing with desire.  
  
"Hell yeah." The vampire growled, no one saw the hot brief kiss that the pair shared in the dappled light. This moment was theirs alone.  
  
"Right. Lets do this thing then." Wesley announced climbing into the drivers seat of Angel's car, Gunn took the passenger seat with Fred squeezed in between them, both men happy to be sitting next to the strange little refugee. Angel, Cordelia and Lorne sat in the back, the prescient demon had the distinct feeling that he was playing gooseberry, he wasn't sure why, maybe it was the way that Cordelia's hand kept running up and down Angel's thigh while the vampire whispered something into her ear that caused the young woman to giggle under her breath. Well what do we have here? Lorne wondered to himself as he watched the two together.  
  
Wesley began the spell, his words foreign to every ones ears but Lornes. There was a flash, then a whirl and then a darkness so hollow that it made the human members of the group want to throw up everything they'd ever eaten. And then as soon as it had began it was over. When the dust settled around them and the familiar surroundings of Caritas came into view they breathed a collective sigh of relief.  
  
"Well, that wasn't so bad." The ex-Watcher removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes.  
  
"Depends what your definition of bad is. I for one will never ever do that again. Barbie, next time you get sucked into another dimension you can just stay there, OK?" Gunn muttered as he stepped out of the car.  
  
"Well I thought it was kinda fun, all the pretty colours and fizzing air. Makes a nice change from staring at the wall of a cave." Fred laughed nervously, she was the first to admit that this was all a little too much for her to take in at once. Fred felt a comforting hand on her shoulder, she smiled lopsidedly at Lorne. With all the commotion of finally being spat back into LA no one but Cordelia had noticed that Angel was passed out in the back seat.  
  
"Angel? Angel wake up." Cordelia whispered, she shook his arm gently trying not to panic.  
  
"Hey, what's up with sleeping beauty there?" Gunn frowned.  
  
"He won't....he won't wake up, there's something wrong....." Cordelia was shaking him harder now, her voice rising with every word. Her friends, new and old, gathered around the car, her eyes desperately begging them to help her. Wesley rushed forward, freaked out by the vampires prone figure. Thinking on his feet the Englishman pulled out a small silver cross he had always kept in his pocket and pressed the metal to the vampires hand.  
  
"What are you doing? He's unconscious not possessed you idiot!" Cordelia yelled at him, making everyone wince at her tone. Yet Wesley didn't pull the cross away, only turning his head away at the sight and smell of burning flesh.  
  
"GAH!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!???" Angel roared as he finally came around. Wesley quickly moved away when Angel's game face flicked on. "Jesus Wes, is there a reason you're trying to burn a hole through my hand!!?"  
  
"Well, it woke you up didn't it?" Wesley said defensively. Why do they put me in charge if they insist on questioning my decisions? He thought to himself.  
  
"A simple 'yoo hoo wakey wakey Angel' might have worked! What the hell is going on? Why are we here? Why is every one looking at me like I've grown horns? No offense Lorne. Can some one please tell me..." Angels rant was cut short by a very relieved Cordelia trying to squeeze him to death. "Cordy? You're here! We got you back! How...? I don't...." He shook his head, his brain was fuzzy and he couldn't get his thoughts in order. Angel gave up trying to work out what was going on and just enjoyed having his best friend hugging him. He briefly wondered when it was she got over the whole personal bubble thing. Cordelia pulled away a little but kept her arms around him, she leant into kiss him but stopped when she saw the confusion in his eyes.  
  
"Angel, what's wrong?" She asked him nervously, she felt something inside her scream out a warning.  
  
"I don't...I can't....something's been mixed up because you weren't here but now you are. I think I missed something." Angel frowned at Cordelia and scratched his head.  
  
"What's the last thing you remember?" Wesley asked, as ever he was two steps ahead of the group.  
  
"I don't....we were just about to go through the portal outside the studio, we were going to find Cordy. I guess it worked, cos hey, there she is." Angel smiled weakly and nodded at the woman that didn't seem to be planning on letting go of him any time soon.  
  
"You don't remember Pylea?" Cordelia bit her bottom lip, searching his eyes for any recognition of what they had shared but there was nothing. Just confusion and a little fear. Like it never happened.  
  
"No, I.... Did something happen there?"Angel screwed up his face in concentration, trying to remember anything.  
  
"Maybe you hit your head?" Fred spoke up from behind Gunn. Cordelia gripped Angel's head and searched his scalp for bumps. Nothing.  
  
"Umm, I don't mean to be rude but who are you?" Angel asked Fred as Cordelia manhandled his scalp.  
  
"Oh. I'm Fred." The little Texan blushed and waved.  
  
"The girl from your vision?" He asked Cordelia, Angel was taken aback by the sadness on his seers face. She nodded and finally moved away from him and climbed out of the car.  
  
"Yep. You rescued us both. Quite the champion." Cordelia unconsciously wrapped his coat around her. "You really don't remember anything?" Once again Angel just shook his head.  
  
"Do you feel OK? Sick? Dizzy? Sudden urge to kill all your friends in a distinctly Angelus way?" Gunn asked the vampire as he lumbered out of the car.  
  
"You can put the crossbow down Gunn, I'm still me. Why does every one automatically assume I've gone evil? I feel fine, tired but fine. Kinda like I was up all night." Angel frowned and ran his hand through his hair, "Was I up all night fighting or something? 'Cos I have that day after ache." Lorne was the only one that saw the crimson blush that spread across Cordelia's face. He moved away from the gang and stood next to the ex-cheerleader.  
  
"Kids, I suggest we continue this discussion at the Hotel, I think we're all rather tired." Lorne wrapped his arm around Cordelia, comforting her as they left his club with out knowing the reason why.  
  
"Well, this is interesting." Wesley surmised as he trailed behind them.  
  
***  
  
Present day...  
  
Interesting isn't quite the word I would have used to describe Angel's lack of Pylea memories. How about heartbreakingly, soul destroyingly devastating? All the way back to the Hotel the damn vampire kept looking at me and smiling. So happy to have his friend back. His friend. That was how he was looking at me. No desire, no lust, no love. Do you have any idea how dreadful that was? Like I had just imagined it all, like it was all just another damn dream. But oh boy, it was about to get soooo much worse.....  
  
***  
  
Hotel Hell.....  
  
"She's dead Angel." Willow felt the tears roll down her face but didn't wipe them away. The Angel Investigations team hadn't moved from the doorway, Willows haunted gaze stopped them in their tracks as soon as they'd entered the Hotel.  
  
"How?" Angel shook his head in confusion.  
  
"Buffy saved the world, but we couldn't......" Willow trailed off weakly, sitting back down on the lobby sofa. Angel felt Cordelia's warm hand slide into his, he needed to sit down but couldn't figure out how to move. It was as though his body had just shut down. The vampire let Cordelia lead him over to the sofa, he dropped down into it lifelessly, hiding his head in his hands. Angel felt the comforting warmth of his seer leave him but couldn't find the strength to bring it back.  
  
"I'm so sorry Will." Cordelia sat down next to the red head and wrapped her long arms around her. Willow let herself cry for a while, thankful that she didn't have to be the strong one here.  
  
"How's Dawnie?" Cordelia asked her old friend once her sobs had subsided.  
  
"A mess but dealing I guess. Spike won't leave her side." She whispered the blonde vampires name so that Angel wouldn't hear. Willow wiped her tears away with her sleeve realizing for the first time that Wesley was sitting on the other side of her. She flashed him a weak smile. "Hey."  
  
"Hey." The unusually stoic ex-Watcher echoed.  
  
Cordelia moved over to where Angel was still sitting, still silent and motionless. She didn't know what to say, so she did what felt natural. The Pylean Princess pulled the vampire close to her and held him tightly.  
  
***  
  
Present Day...  
  
Talk about kicking you when you're down. That night is still a bit of a blur. I do remember that Angel barely said a word though, just sat there while Wes Willow and I talked about the old times. I couldn't believe the Slayer was dead. I know the pair of us never really got on but I never wished any harm on her. OK, that one time I did but that was completely Xanders fault.  
  
Angel didn't cry, he just sat there staring into space, losing himself in that dark place he goes to when things get too much for him. And then as if a light was switched on in his head he stood up and lumbered upstairs, the weight of the world too heavy for even his strong shoulders.  
  
Oh damn, he just asked me a question.  
  
"Cordelia are you listening to me? I asked you if you were ever going to tell me?"  
  
Oh boy, he is sooo mad at me. He's not shouting any more, he's using that quiet calm voice on me. I think I'll just ignore that question and carry on with the story, that is if you're not so confused you've wandered off some where. So, where was I again? Right, a dead slayer and a catatonic vampire. Huh, sounds like a thrash metal group. Sorry, my sense of humour has taken a bizarre twist ever since I found out that I'm...well....if I told you that now I'd ruin the story.  
  
Angel didn't leave his room for five days, five of the longest days of my life, I spent the time sitting outside of his bedroom, fingers crossed that he didn't do anything stupid. I wanted to go in there and make everything better but every time I sat down on the bed with him I was reminded of our night together and it hurt too much to stay. I know that's selfish of me. The love of Angel's life was dead and I was all me me me. I'm not proud of myself OK? I wanted to hold him and kiss him and tell him how much I loved him but I couldn't because he didn't remember Pylea. Didn't remember what we'd shared.  
  
I know exactly what you're thinking. Why didn't I tell him? I have two answers to your question: 1) The love of his life had just been killed saving the world. I might not be a big fan of tact but I know when to keep my mouth shut. 2) I was scared it wasn't really him in Pylea, like I said before, he was acting very unAngel like. Of course it was *him*, but not *him* him. Does that make any sense at all? In a nutshell I was scared that he'd freak out and do a runner. Which, funnily enough, is exactly what he did anyway and I didn't even tell him we'd slept together. Don'tcha just love irony....  
  
***  
  
The usual good-byes.....  
  
"Do you have your cell phone?" Wesley fussed over his friend.  
  
"Wes, you've asked me that three times already. Quit with the mothering. It's freaking me out." Angel muttered as he checked his backpack for the aforementioned mobile. The Hotel was quiet even though the entire gang of A.I were there. Two weeks had passed since Willows visit and they were still waiting for Angel to break down over the death of his ex-girlfriend. Cordelia was the only one that could see his grief in every word he spoke, every gesture he made. As handsome as the vampire was, the seer could see every one of Angel's two hundred and fifty years weighing heavily on his face.  
  
"Do you really have to go?" Fred pouted from where she timidly sat behind the lobby counter.  
  
"I'm afraid I do Fred. It won't be for long. I just....I need to figure a few things out in my head." Angel offered her a weak smile to appease her.  
  
"So you will definitely be coming back then?" The little Texan couldn't help the desperation in her voice.  
  
"Leave him alone Fred, Angel will be back when he's back." Cordelia snapped at the other girl, kicking herself when she saw Fred flinch. Angel frowned at his seer, surprised at her outburst. He had barely seen his best friend for a week and whenever he did she was either gazing into space or shouting at someone. Angel was sure it wasn't Buffy's death that had her acting so strangely, but he couldn't get her to stay in the same room with him for long enough to ask her what was going on.  
  
"Cordy are you OK?" Angel asked her softly.  
  
"I'm fine." Cordelia did her best Scully impression. "You should get going."  
  
"Yeah, I guess so." The vampire picked up his bag and looked at the door. Angel knew he needed to work through his grief for his lost love but couldn't shake the pull that kept him here with his friends. He hugged Wesley, Gunn and Lorne, the first time in his very long life that he had true friends saying goodbye to him. Fred blushed a deep red when he kissed her on the cheek and whispered that he'd be back before she knew it. Angel had left Cordelia until last, when he turned to her he saw her walking to the door. Their goodbye would be said alone.  
  
"So..." Cordelia rocked backwards and forwards on her heels next to the car. She shivered from the cool night, remembering how warm and safe she had felt in Angels jacket the night they'd returned from Pylea. "You'll be careful won't you?"  
  
"Always am." Angel smiled at her goofily, Cordelia rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Look after Fred for me Cordy, she's a little... overwhelmed at being back in LA."  
  
"Sure." Cordelia nodded, but who's going to look after me? She couldn't help but think to herself.  
  
"I'll be home soon I promise." Angel tried to catch her eye but Cordelia was looking everywhere but him.  
  
"Take however long you need." She said while her heart screamed 'please don't leave me!'  
  
"Please Cordy, tell me what's wrong." Angel pleaded with her, he cradled her chin in his hand, forcing her to look at him. Cordelia saw nothing but friendly concern in his eyes. In that moment she decided to let it go. Forget about what had happened and get on with her life.  
  
"I swear, there's nothing wrong." She lied as her heart lay bleeding at her feet. "I'm just going to miss my best friend is all." Cordelia plastered on a fake smile then drew him to her in a hug so that Angel wouldn't see the tears that threatened to fall. The young woman took a moment to savor the embrace, Cordelia breathed in his cologne and rubbed her cheek lightly on his leather jacket. Pure, unadulterated Angel. Cordelia wasn't sure she could watch him leave and not betray her feelings to him. "Bye Angel." She whispered into his chest before she reached up on her tip toes and kissed his cheek. Hiding her face behind her hair, Cordelia stepped away from Angel and walked back into the Hotel without looking back.  
  
***  
  
Once more into the breach.....  
  
He left. Off to commune with the monks and sort out his chi. Or whatever. LA was quiet without him, which is strange 'cos he's not exactly mister chatty is he? Mind you he seems to be making up for those silent few months when he wasn't here right now.  
  
"You let me just walk out without saying anything? How could you!? Dammit Cordelia how long have you known? I would never have left if.....How could you be so selfish? What were you thinking?! Dammit answer me?"  
  
"Well I would if you'd shut the hell up for five freaking minutes and let me bloody well speak!!!!"  
  
Finally he's quiet. I know I'm not being fair on him, it's a lot to take in at once. Well imagine how I felt! Left with the memories of our night together but not able to say anything because lord knows what his reaction would be. The man that I was in love with had no idea that he had made me scream his name in ecstasy hour after hour that night. He didn't know he whispered his devotion to me as he moved inside of me and a part of me hated him for it. I missed him before he had even left. I was scared and alone and praying to the porcelain Goddess every morning for a month. I didn't know what was going on and you can only blame it on that bad fish you had for so long before reality comes crashing through the window and hits you repeatedly over the head. Angel had been gone for two months, we hadn't heard from him since he'd left, Fred had taken to her room as soon as the vampire walked out the door and Wesley and Gunn continuously bickered like old women. I thank the heavens for Lorne.  
  
***  
  
Repress and Deny....  
  
"This is not happening, this is not happening, this is not happening." Cordelia muttered, a worthless prayer offered to any God that might be passing by. Yet the little plastic stick sitting in front of her told her in no uncertain terms that this was indeed happening.  
  
"Hey sweet cheeks, you fallen in in there?" Lornes lyrical voice drifted through the door.  
  
"I...I'll be out in a minute Lorne." Cordelia stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. She didn't look any different. Well, apart from her hair of course, that seemed to be the only thing she was in control of at the moment. Cordelia thought she would see the difference in her face the same way she felt it in her heart, but the same full lips, strong nose and bright eyes stared mockingly back at her. The seer stuck out her tongue at the woman looking back at her, an immature throw back to her childhood that she'd never grown out of. She splashed her face with water, her body on auto pilot as she dried her hands and put the test in the garbage.  
  
"All done Lorne, the bathroom's yours." Cordelia plastered on a smile as she wandered back into the lobby.  
  
"No need, I already used one of the other seventy eight bathrooms in this mausoleum Angel calls home." Lorne saw the way her face flashed with pain when he said the vampires name, it wasn't the first time he'd seen that happen recently. "So, have you heard from him yet?"  
  
"Heard from who?" Cordelia muttered as she flicked through the latest issue of Vogue.  
  
"Angel of course. Tall, dark, fanged, remember him?" He had known Cordelia for long enough now to know when she was hiding something.  
  
"You know very well that he hasn't called." Cordelia snapped at him, her mask of indifference slipping.  
  
"Not even a humorous postcard of two monks and a donkey?" Lorne carried on despite the glare the young woman was sending him.  
  
"No and why should he? He's his own vampire, he does what he wants. He's not beholden to us, if it weren't for me being vision girl I expect he would have moved on long ago." Cordelia shrugged with resignation.  
  
"What's going on Cordelia?" Lorne asked her suddenly, his usual light carefree tone nowhere in sight.  
  
"What...what do you mean?" She stuttered.  
  
"Something happened in Pylea didn't it? I saw the way you two were acting in the car before we crashed into my dearly departed club. Something happened but Angel couldn't remember because of the space-time-vampire thingy that Wes read about and droned on and on and on over for a week. And now cinnabun has gone to commune with mountains and you're acting as though you couldn't care less if he came back or not."  
  
"I......." Cordelia started but was abruptly cut off.  
  
"He's been gone for two months and you've said his name only three times since he left. We've barely seen you, you're making dear Fred look like a people person. Wesley is worried about you, he say's he heard you being sick the other week but when he asked you if you were OK you snapped at him. Which, by the way, has become quite a common occurrence of late. You're not being yourself. What happened to that wonderful girl that we all fell in love with?" He finally finished.  
  
"She grew up." Cordelia stated quietly looking Lorne straight in the eye.  
  
"Cordelia what..." He stopped his question as she began to sing softly, her voice wasn't strong but it melted around the few lines of her favorite Billie Holiday song. Cordelia's voice cracked as she finished, she waited for Lorne to finish reading her.  
  
"Oh Cordy." Lorne rushed over to where his friend was sitting, he knelt done before her grasping her small hands in his. She felt relieved to not be the only one that knew what was going on anymore and offered Lorne the first real smile she had been able to muster for two months. "Well, everything makes sense now." Lorne nodded. "He doesn't know does he? About you and him in Pylea or...." He trailed off.  
  
"Me being pregnant? You can say it Lorne, I'm not going to freak out at hearing the words. I'm pregnant. Cordelia Chase is going to be a mother. See? No freakage. OK, maybe I am freaking a bit." Cordelia rambled making Lorne chuckle.  
  
"I didn't think vampires could have children. We should get Wes on the case, read some books...."  
  
  
  
"No! I don't want...I don't want anyone else to know. It's Angel's child, he's the only man I've been with for a long time. It's his. Promise me you won't tell Wesley, please Lorne." Cordelia begged him desperately, Lorne nodded his acquiescence.  
  
"I think you need to tell Angel though Cordy, you can't keep this from him forever. In fact he'll probably figure it out as soon as he's near you, vampire senses remember?"  
  
"He doesn't remember our night together, to him it never happened. Angel doesn't feel the same way as I feel for him, I'm well aware of that. It was just some freaky 24 hour Pylean virus or something. I'll tell him I'm pregnant, but I won't tell him it's his. I will not lose him again because of this." Cordelia said with conviction, sounding more sure than she actually was.  
  
***  
  
The headlines.....  
  
So there you go then. I'm pregnant. I swear I must be the most fertile woman in LA, soon a demon will only have to look at me and I'll be knocked up. If you think I'm dealing with this rather well you are very much mistaken. I'm a mess, half the time I have no idea what I'm doing. I hate feeling so needy, it's just not me. I blame it on the hormones that are whizzing around my body, one morning while watching 'Bear in the big blue house' I cried because that cute little mouse couldn't find any cheese to eat. I scared myself that time.  
  
I'm keeping the baby. Anything else wasn't even an option, there was absolutely no way on earth I could.....I don't even want to think about it.  
  
"Cordelia is....is everything OK? I mean, is the baby alright?"  
  
I love this man so much it hurts.  
  
"Everything is fine Angel."  
  
I didn't think things could get much worse after the whole peeing on a stick and finding yourself pregnant and alone and crying on the shoulder of a six foot tall green singing demon. But as usual I was wrong. My life is like a fucking Greek tragedy.  
  
***  
  
Homecoming.......  
  
Cordelia ran her fingers over the soft material of the baby-grow, she smiled at the cute yellow chick on the front.  
  
"Thank you Lorne, it's so sweet. I haven't brought anything so far, I guess I should really. It still seems a little unreal." Cordelia rested her hand on her belly, an unconscious act of protection to the child inside her.  
  
"There's plenty of time left yet sugarbuns, by the time you squeeze it out you'll be ready, trust me." Lorne patted her hand affectionately.  
  
"I just wish I wasn't doing this on my own." A frown slipped over her beautiful face, she shook it away just as quickly. "Never mind."  
  
"I wish you'd let me call him."  
  
"You're starting to sound like a broken record Lorne."  
  
"Maybe you should start listening to me." He didn't want to shout at her but Lorne had tried every other way to persuade her to get in touch with Angel and nothing had worked.  
  
"I'm fine." Cordelia said curtly.  
  
"Keep telling yourself that and you might start to believe it." Lorne didn't back down.  
  
"Lorne." She sighed in exasperation. "I'm really OK, stop worrying. I'm having a good day today, please don't ruin it."  
  
"OK, OK I won't rain on your parade anymore." Lorne let it go for the moment. He watched the woman next of him as she folded the baby-grow, she looked tired and older then her twenty two years. Cordelia had told no one but him about her pregnancy, she was quite adamant that no one should know. She was only three and a half months pregnant and although she wasn't showing yet she would start to soon and then the cat would well and truly be out of the bag for all to see. Lorne hated to see the woman that was once so full of laughter and life like she was now, staring into space, mourning a relationship that never really had the chance to happen. "So, what makes today such a good day?"  
  
"Hmm?" Cordelia blinked away her thoughts of Angel. "Oh, well I guess its just the start of the second trimester not so blues. I was able to listen to Sarah MacLachlan this morning without bursting into tears."  
  
"Wow, even I can't do that." Lorne grinned at her. "How does pizza and a video sound to you tonight? Can I tempt you with the many delights of Mr Russell Crowe?"  
  
"You don't need to watch me every minute of everyday Lorne, don't you have a social life to be getting on with? Surely there's some young pretty thing out there just waiting for you to pick up the phone?"  
  
"You're the only young pretty thing I'm interested in Cordy, you know that." Lorne wiggled his eyebrows at her making the young woman laugh loudly.  
  
"Is there something going on between you two that I should know about?"  
  
Both Cordelia's and Lorne's head turned towards the familiar voice at the same time. The prescient demon heard Cordelia's gasp of surprise.  
  
He was finally home.  
  
"Angel!" The seer jumped up out of her seat and ran to the vampire, throwing herself in his arms.  
  
"Oof! Watch out Cordy, you nearly flattened me." Angel chuckled but didn't let go.  
  
"Oh God I missed you." Cordelia whispered into his coat, she could feel the hot prick of tears in her eyes. It felt longer than just a couple of months since the last time she did this.  
  
"Hey now, I wasn't gone that long." Angel was a little surprised by her reaction to him being back.  
  
"Sorry." Cordelia muttered and dragged herself away from him, silently admonishing herself for being so weak. The arm that Angel kept around her shoulders felt like Chinese water torture, to be so close to the man she loved but still be denied.  
  
"It's good to have you back Angel." Lorne nodded at his friend, unable to keep the brusque tone out of his voice, he knew that none of this was Angel's fault but he felt protective over Cordelia and couldn't help but be angry with Angel for being blissfully unaware of what was going on.  
  
"So, what's been happening since I left?" Angel asked them, he didn't miss the look that passed between the pair.  
  
Two hours later.......  
  
After the initial burst of activity that followed Angel returning home the Hyperion returned to it's easy calm, Wesley and Gunn had gone for food, Lorne went to check on the progress the builders were making with his club and Fred skittered around the Hotel like it was Christmas, thanksgiving and her birthday all rolled into one. Cordelia had kept to the peripheries of the group hugs and hellos, relieved to have the vampire home but weary of her own reaction to him now. Cordelia had thought that she would be able to do this, be able have Angel's child without telling him he was the father but after only two hours she desperately wanted to tell him. Now she was alone with him in the his dimly lit room and the only thing that was stopping Cordelia from telling Angel everything was her own stupid pride.  
  
"No visions in three months, that's a record isn't it?" Angel stretched out in his chair, tired from the long journey home.  
  
"I'm not complaining. It makes a nice change not to feel like your head is splitting open. But I can't help but think the PTB are saving it all up for a big one." Cordelia hugged her knees to her chest as she spoke, a futile barrier between the man in front of her and the child inside on her. "Apart from the kung fu fighting monks did you find a little peace in the mountains?"  
  
"I did." Angel nodded but didn't elaborate further, his was brow creased in concentration as though he were trying to do long division in his head. Cordelia started to get nervous.  
  
"Well, that's good." Cordelia nodded furiously.  
  
"Cordelia..."  
  
"Thank you for the necklace Angel, it's very beautiful." Cordelia hurried on .She touched her fingers to the light chain around her neck.  
  
"Oh, your welcome. Umm, is there something...." Angel tried again but failed.  
  
"Oh, look at the time! I'll just...I have a few....I'll be downstairs." Cordelia gestured wildly with her hands and headed for the door.  
  
"Who's the lucky man?" Angel asked her just as her hand closed around the door handle.  
  
"Excuse me?" Cordelia kept her back turned to him, hiding the panic on her face.  
  
"You're pregnant Cordelia, I can hear the child's heart beat inside you." Angel rested his hands on her shoulders, she hadn't even heard him walk up behind her.  
  
"Oh" Cordelia felt herself relaxing under his friendly gesture, she leant back onto his chest and closed her eyes.  
  
"So who's the father? I didn't know you were seeing anyone." The vampire asked again.  
  
"I wasn't." Cordelia pulled herself together and stepped away from him.  
  
"Well you must have been, these things don't just happen by magic Cordelia. Is the father still around, does he know? Do I need to beat the crap out of him?" Angel frowned at her with concern.  
  
"That won't be necessary." She grimaced at his words.  
  
"Who's the father?" The vampire insisted forcefully, an unfamiliar feeling of jealousy growing in his chest.  
  
"It's none of your business Angel." Cordelia dismissed him and opened the door.  
  
"I thought we were friends?"  
  
"We are." Angel had no idea how much those few words hurt her.  
  
"Is it Groos? Did you sleep with him in Pylea? Was that why you were so upset when we got back to LA?" He could feel himself becoming angry at her for keeping things from him.  
  
"Yes that's exactly it. Well done. You solved the mystery." Cordelia stalked out of the room.  
  
"Cordelia!" Angel moved after her, his stern voice stopped the happy activity below in the lobby but not the seers footsteps. "Does Groosalugg know?!"  
  
"Yes he knows! OK?! Now back off Angel, this has nothing to do with you." Cordelia lied to him as she barreled across the lobby, ignoring the concerned looks from Wesley Gunn and Fred. She ran into the surprisingly solid figure of Lorne just as she hurried through the front door.  
  
"Whoa there dumpling. What's the rush?" Lorne steadied the young woman when it looked like she was going to fall.  
  
"No rush, I just really need to go home right now." Cordelia dug around in her purse for her car keys.  
  
"Angel knows doesn't he?" Lorne watched the distressed woman closely. "You have to tell him the truth Cordy, you're not doing yourself any favors by lying to him. It's not good for the baby for you to be so upset all the time." He lectured her as she climbed into her car.  
  
"I'm fine. I, I have to go....." Cordelia started the engine and drove away from the Hotel and her friends and the father of her child.  
  
***  
  
Sex, lies and Pylean refugees......  
  
That was a week ago, it seems longer ago than that though. I won't deny the fact that I could have dealt with it better, I could have dealt with everything a lot better. I should have told him as soon as we had returned to LA everything what had happened, I shouldn't have kept him in the dark, I shouldn't have lied to him about Groo being the father. Well news flash people, I make mistakes! You can't tell me you've never made a wrong decision in your life.  
  
I haven't been into work since then, haven't really spoken to anyone either except Lorne. Avoiding Angel has been my number one past time for a week. Angel called everyday, I told him I was tired and needed the rest. He actually believed me, I must be getting good at this lying gig. If I had gone into work and pretended everything was just peachy fine then I probably wouldn't be having this nightmare scene with Angel now. But then I suppose this would have happened sooner or later, I was just hoping it would be a lot later.  
  
"I didn't....I didn't hurt you that night did I Cordy?"  
  
He has no idea.  
  
"Of course you didn't Angel. You were...."  
  
How can I finish that sentence that won't leave me a furious shade of red?  
  
"Because if I did I'll never forgive myself."  
  
"Angel, trust me, you didn't hurt me."  
  
"Trust you Cordy? That's rich. If Fred hadn't let me in on a few things I'd still be none the wiser. So now really isn't a good time to be talking about trust."  
  
Ah yes, Fred. The girl is so quiet half the time you don't even realize she's in the room, the little sneak. I guess she must have overheard Lorne and I talking about it one day, written it on the wall, filed it away for later reference and blurted it out in one of her sporadic talking fits this morning. I dunno, you'll have to ask Angel what she said because I wasn't there. All I know is that two hours ago Angel braved the sunlight to come crashing into my apartment demanding answers that I'm too scared to give him.  
  
"Have I asked anything from you Angel?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Have I blamed this on you? Have I screamed and shouted and damned you to hell?"  
  
  
  
"Cordy..."  
  
  
  
"Have I!?"  
  
"No..."  
  
"I lied to you and I'm sorry, but that's it Angel. That's all you get to be mad at me for."  
  
  
  
"But it's not as simple as that is it?"  
  
"Yes it is."  
  
"Cordelia you're carrying my child. Nothing is ever going to be simple again."  
  
I love you. I love you and our child. I love you both so much sometimes I can't even remember how to breathe. We had one night together, one night where all there was was us, no prophecies, no curse, just us. Oh it was wonderful Angel, no other man has ever touched me with so much love and passion. You loved me for a little while. You really loved me. But you don't remember, oh god why don't you remember? Please, please, please remember. I don't want to be alone with this any more, I don't think I can do this. I'm not as strong as you think I am Angel. You're the champion, you're meant to be able to save me. I'm going to be a mother and you're going to be a father. I have a little part of you alive inside of me, how wonderful is that?  
  
I want to tell you all this Angel but the words keep getting caught in my mouth and I'm scared that I'm going to choke on them soon. Things stopped being simple the minute you begged me to come home, the moment your lips touched mine. I'm in love with you and you have no idea. I can't say any of this to you. I'll bite my tongue, hold my breath and wait for these feelings to fade. But they're not going to fade are they? When a woman falls for you she's in it for life. I'm not going to wake up one morning and suddenly wonder what I ever saw in you because I will have a reminder of what we did with me everyday for the rest of my life. Your child.  
  
So no, nothing is ever going to be simple again.  
  
the end.  
  
(oh you know I'm not going to leave it like this! Sequel coming soon.)  
  
AngelLuver's Challenge: *Begins while the gang is in Pylea ...  
  
  
  
*C/A sleep together ~ but since Angel was not quite himself in this freaky dimension, he does not have any memory of the "event"  
  
  
  
*Follow the time line of Buffy's death and Angel leaving for the summer ~ but throw in the twist of Cordy finding out she is pregnant 


End file.
